Between Me and You, Letter one: The Girl I Should Have Thanked
By: Jordan Nichols
Disclaimer from Author: Between me and you is a letter series I am writing to people who I never really got to say everything I wanted to, or was to afraid to. This is something I take seriously and hope someone can find hope in. I plan to have many more of these types of these articles and may one day hope to compile them together. Thank you
There is honestly so many things I want to tell you. You are one of the people I always want to go to with an issue. A rock for me to lean on when I need it. I know it didn’t always used to feel that way. And I know that is partially my fault.
I want you to know that even when I am angry with you, I care. I cared when we fought for so long. I cared when I felt like you betrayed me. I cared twice as much when I needed you, but didn’t let you know. And I cared even more when you acted like you didn’t. Even when I know you did.
I think perhaps we were just friends in the wrong time. Not that I regret a minute of our friendship. But maybe distance wise, we would have been more compatible had we met a year later, given me time to grow a bit as a person. But then again, I needed you a lot that first year we knew each other. I know it might not have seen like it, but I did.
You were the friend I needed, but not the friend I deserved. (I hope you enjoy the batman reference)
I thank you for being patient with me. I can be a handful sometimes, and I feel like when we began our friendship, I was in such a bad place that I didn’t necessarily get out of until recently. When I think about it, I feel like I was so unfair to you, but then we can both be hard to handle at times. But I do appreciate you putting up with me at my roughest times, even if it seemed like we might not make it at times.
Perseverance is a wonderful quality. And I appreciate it more than you know.
I also appreciate how you put up with some of my more pointless issues. My constant catastrophes over work, or living situations, or where to eat dinner. You were always ready to offer up advice or an opinion, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, you still listened.
And even though I know it felt like it, I never judged you for anything you did, or the decisions I made. I know I was a piss poor friend to you at times, letting others tell me things that were false, letting me believe you weren’t there for me. Even though you were. Even though you may have needed me.
I think about that a lot honestly. How I wasn’t a great friend when you needed one. I want you to know that. That I regret those times you felt left out, or alone. I have felt that way before too, and I would never make you feel that way on purpose. Hindsight is 20 20 and between me and you I was blind for so long.
I think I just needed time by myself to process you. And that is not meant to sound like a bad thing. Please don’t think it is. I spent quite a bit of time trying to fill my day with human interaction, begging for company so I wouldn’t have time to think. Filling my head with other people’s opinions and views so I wouldn’t have to think much at all. Afraid to be left inside my own head.
So I never gave myself time to view you as a whole person. For so long I wasn’t considering all of you instead of what I saw right then and there.
That was so unfair to you.
And I know it felt like there were times that I judged you for such trivial things.
I was so close minded and so unwilling to try new things. So I didn’t really understand you yet. That’s why I think maybe our friendship sometimes happened at the wrong time. I feel like I would have been a much better friend to you if I had a few more experiences under my belt. Given myself time to understand your point of view. Why you did what you did, why you were so hesitant to take certain leaps. Why you always found ways to escape. I told someone that I am seeing more of you in myself a lot more now and I just wish I could go back and tell you I get it.
I understand a lot more now. Why you did the things you did. Why you stressed out over the And I am doing my best to be a better friend, not just to you, but to everyone.
And I know that you have grown as well. I have seen it. I have watched you take charge of situations you wanted out of. And find happiness in the little things. You have become a happier person despite everything that has happened the past few years. And I am over the moon for you.
You are the kind of person I am so happy has lasted through everything with me in my life. I am happy we found a way to stick together, even if the road was rocky. I wish it was more like it used to be to an extent. Where I could see you more often, but even if that is not the case I am thrilled to have you in my life.
I hope that we continue on the path we are now as friends, and I hope you have or can forgive me for things that have happened in the past, and are happy that I want to be a part of your future. Perhaps as life progresses we will become closer both as friends and physically, because I would love that opportunity again.
P.S. Don’t ever let anyone let you feel smaller again. Remember you are worth so much more than that,