Pucker Shop

His Lies Were The Air I Needed to Breathe.. Or so I thought

His Lies Were The Air I Needed to Breathe.. Or so I thought

By: sierra

He was the reason I woke up and the reason I never wanted to sleep.

This boy was so much more than a fling or teenage love. This boy was the air I needed to survive this curl world. This boy was everything I never thought I wanted and everything I thought I needed.

He took almost six years of my life that I wouldn't exactly ask for back. I can not say they were the best six years but I most definitely can not say they were the worst, either. 

I met him many, many years ago way before boys were even a thought past, "eww". But it wasn't until a small gesture made a big impact that I ever gave him a second thought and from that day on he was my every thought. 

Starting as friends may have been the worst mistake we ever made. We became so close so fast I felt as if I had met the person I was supposed to be best friends with until we were both old and our wrinkles had taken over our face. That was until the feelings kicked in. 

Our relationship started out while we were both with other people. Can I just say that if that is not a sign for disaster, then I don't have a clue what is. 

We spent a year or two getting closer and more entwined in each others everyday life, his friends became my friends and my friends began to hate him.

In this time we would have many nights of nothing but hanging out and spending time with each other and other nights of be pinning over him while he was out with other girls. So, I let myself open up to someone else in hopes that I wouldn't be alone waiting for someone I loved to love me back, forever, still holding on to the hope he would want me.

That was until I fell in love with a boy that wasn't him. This threw him off, big time. He never imagined I would go off and find a boy that would actually commit to me and only me. He loved the idea of me sitting alone in my room waiting around for him to call, always being available for a late nigh make out with a simple "Come outside," text.

Through out that relationship we stayed extremely close as friends, never even getting close to crossing a line. I was head over heals and as much as he hated it, he respected it. 

That relationship came down in a flame filled ball of fire, exploding into a million pieces. The wreckage was so bad you simply new you would never see that relationship, outside of memories, ever again. 

That was when things got real and I fell so far in love with this boy, I didn't know I could survive without him. He was there for me every step of my recovery, making sure I could survive. My respect, my trust in him, my faith in him grew like a tree from a magic bean. 

Then he said the three words I had so longed to hear from him, :"I love you" 

My heart stopped and I couldn't breath. The boy I had loved for so long, finally loved me back. I didn't doubt his feelings, his intentions, or him at all. I believed him with my whole heart and soul, and to this day I believe his intentions were pure, even if the words were lies.  

I gave him my whole self, physically, mentally, emotionally and I trusted him with no reservations and yet he still never chose me. 

I was never the one he called his girlfriend, never the one he took on dates. But I was the one he took home to mommy and daddy, I was the one all his friends had formed friendships with, I was the only he talked about, the one school mates would pair his name with and I thought it was enough, and It was for so long. 

Until it wasn't. 

It didn't happen all at once, I didn't wake up one morning and think to myself "this hurts too much" or "I can't do this". It happened slowly and over a course of years. Sometimes I noticed and sometimes I had no clue of my own feelings . 

I hit rock bottom when I gave him myself completely and the next morning found out he had been in a relationship with someone else. 

I was distraught, disgusted, hurt, and it wasn't even the first time. I may never know why this time was different but I am glad it was. 

I could have given this boy my life and been completely happy, but he could not do the same for me. No matter how many times he told me he loved me, or talked about the future he saw with me, he couldn't make the jump from bestfriends that hooked up to actual relationship. 

So, that day I left and I never looked back. I took my first breath in a world without the person I thought I would build my forever with, and the air was sharp cutting at my lungs, making every breath a chore but here I am 6 years later breathing without a hint of pain, living a life I could never have had with him. 

I am better for having fallen for a boy that lied with his every breath. It thought me more than I could have ever imagined to learn at such a young age. As hard as it was and as broken as my heart became, I survived. I am still surviving. 

Now, I don't know his side of the story. Maybe he just didn't know how to love me and the words I felt were lies were actually had some truth behind them, that I will never know. But as for the way I felt about the boy whose lies were the air I needed to breathe, I had a love for him I may never be able to put into words and even after all these years, I am so grateful for the sort of kind of relationship we did have. 

As much as I wish he felt the pain he caused me, I would never want to see him in that kind of pain.

I will forever cherish the memories we shared and the many conversations we had. Despite the lies and pain he caused he knew me better than I knew myself and without him I may not have turned into the person I am today. 

So, where ever he is, whomever he is with, I hope for the best. I hope he is happy and healthy and living the life he always wanted with the girl of his dreams. I hope I cross his mind from time to time, but more than anything I hope he looks back and sees a girl that would have given her life for him but came out the other side with so much respect for the man he could be. I hope he became that man. That alone would make up for ever bit of pain he caused. 

If my any chance you are reading this, Thank you for being the air that I needed and teaching me all that you did. Thank you for the pain, the heartbreak, the love and the laughs. Thank you for teaching me that no matter how much your heart wants someone that doesn't mean they are the person your deserve.  

For all those girls still loving the wrong man, you will come out on top baby girl, just give it time.