I Forgave my Rapist
Yes, you heard that right, I forgave my rapist.
Let me start by saying I was sixteen when I was raped by my boyfriend at the time and it has been a long eight years since.
It wasn't violent, he didn't jump out of no where or tie me down. It didn't happen in the typical way that comes to mind when you hear the word rape.
It was simple, he wanted sex and I did not. I told him no and he didn't care. He had hit me before so when he held my arms down, I froze. I didn't fight, I didn't scream, I froze.
When it was over with I left in tears not sure of what had just happened. I was not sure of how to feel.
I was not even sure it was rape at first. It wasn't until I went to speak the words out loud, that I knew it was most definitely rape.
I struggled with the hurt for many years, being skittish in all relationships after, hard a hard time being alone with guys I had known my entire life.
But it wasn't until he went to jail for doing the same thing to someone else that I could really come to terms with what had happened that night.
When I first heard of what he had done, I blamed myself. If I had said something maybe it wouldn't have happened a second time. I took all the blame for what happened to this woman.
I didn't know how to cope with the guilt, so I did what I do best, I wrote.
I wrote him a letter telling him how scary it was and how it had effected my life. I went into the letter thinking I would apologize for not going forward all those years ago, apologize for being a coward.
As I wrote I realized I could not apologize because what happened to me and what happened to this new girl was not my fault, was not her fault, it was and is his fault.
He was to blame and absolutely no one else. He made the decision to ignore being told no. He decided to force himself on women that didn't want it and he decided to decided to that it was perfectly okay.
I could not apologize because I realized I was not to blame so by the end of my letter I had expressed my feelings and forgave him.
I forgave him for taking advantage of me, for scaring me well beyond fear I could ever imagine was even possible. I forgave him for forcing himself inside me even after I said no.
But most of all I forgave him for the emotional damage he caused and the scares he left behind.
I forgave him, not for him but for myself, for my sanity.
I forgave him so I could begin to heal and so I could move on with my life.
I did not forgive him for his benefit, but for my own.
I would do it again if need be, because for giving him lifted a weight off my shoulders and a burden in my heart.
Forgiving my rapist, gave me a chance to forgive myself and take control of my own life.
So,yes I forgave my rapist.