I Know Eventually I'll Be Over You, Just Not Today
By: Kayla Leanne Goss
Today you've stayed on my mind more than normal. I hate to even admit that, even to myself. It seems like everything reminds me of you. It's sad really. I hate that you still have this effect on me.
I hate that you can still have a hold over me and my emotions like you do, even though you're no longer in my life.
Walking away from you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I loved you, and you didn't love me. Simple as that. I wish it wasn't true, but you made it clear by your actions in the end. You damn near destroyed me.
You knocked me down emotionally, and I'm still not sure how to get back up. Because I still think about you, I think about us still, and I still miss you.
I know it's stupid to miss the fake illusion you created and the fake person you portrayed, but I do. Even though it was all pretend, I still miss it. Silly, I know.
You wrecked my world, broke me down, and broke my heart into a million pieces, yet I still fucking miss you. What is wrong with me??
I know that eventually, I will be okay. I know that every day I'll think of you less and less, and the pain of having to walk away from you won't hurt as bad.
I know that every day it'll get easier and easier. Just not today.
Today I'm so sad. Today I'm missing you, wishing you were here, wishing you would hold me like you used to. Today the emotional struggle is really fucking hard, and I'm trying to not fall apart.
I'm trying to stay strong. I'm barely able to keep it together though.
Maybe one day you'll realize how much I truly loved you. Maybe one day you'll wake up and miss me too. Maybe one day you'll finally realize how much you fucked up losing the one person who was there for you since day one.
You were more than somebody who I fell in love with, you were my best friend. And losing my love and my best friend all in one fell swoop really took a toll on me.
You'll never know how much it killed me to end things with you. You'll never know the struggle it was for me.
I had to because you showed me that you weren't consistent, that I was never a priority, and that you couldn't commit to me.
You only wanted to get it together when I was walking away when it was just too late. Why? Why wasn't I good enough?
Why did you say you loved me if you never fucking meant it? Why did you just let me walk away? Why didn't you fight for me? Why couldn't you ever claim me?
Why was I so replaceable? You disposed of me like trash and then found another girl in no time.
I have never felt more worthless in my life. I never felt so betrayed and so heartbroken either. Why couldn't you have just been honest? Why was that such a hard task for you? I never wanted anything from you but to love you. I never expected anything other than honesty, respect, loyalty, and love.
You were all I wanted, and I meant nothing to you. It hurts to know that I was just another girl in your little game.
This is still a huge confusing mind fuck for me and I'm still trying to process it all. There are so many questions that I have, and I never got full face to face closure, so this has even harder for me to accept and understand.
But eventually I will, and I know ultimately I will be okay, it's just extra difficult today for some reason.
I know that I'll still probably have breakdowns. I'm sure that some days I will still cry when I think of you, see pictures of us, or hear your name. I'm certain I will get sad when someone mentions you or asks what happened to us.
I know that I'll probably get choked up when I try to explain to them because we always looked so happy together. And I know some days I'll be so angry and cuss everything that reminds me of you.
I'm just hoping the pain eases soon. I'm hoping the hurting stops and that I can move on.
Eventually, I hope I can smile at the memories of us because no matter what, I'll always care about you because you stole a little piece of my heart I'll never get back and you were my first love.
I just hope that someday comes sooner rather than later.