Is today the day?
You sit, watch and wonder...will this be the day? Will this be the day my life changes forever? Will the man, the father of my children, the man I vowed to love til death do us part, be taken from me...forever?
These are just some of the questions I constantly ask myself daily. Will the diseases that have ravaged his body finally take its toll? I fear one day that I will make up to a cold, lifeless corpse. My children will lose their father; a sister will lose her brother; and I will lose my best friend.
Cancer is never fair. It doesnt discriminate. It wrecks havoc wherever it rears its ugly head. It wil take down the strongest women, the frailest of children and the mightiest of men. The "treatments" that are supposed to help you, make you worse off. We've seen the pictures and heard the stories.
Being a caregiver to your spouse is never an easy feat to take upon. You will have great days laughing and having a good time; then you will have the bad days. The gut wrenching guilt, the feeling of hopelessness and the sadness that you can't do more to ease their pain and make it all go away.
I have lived this life for the past 6 almost 7 years. My once alpha male - type husband, who never asked for help, having to let me be his voice, his strength, his all. He's some times to weak to stand...to eat...to dress. Breathing is a chore. The sad look on his face when he realizes he's still here and his pain will continue. These things shake you to your core; and now you're the strong one.
My best friend is dying. Modern medicine is too archaic to help him and cure him. Science failed him. Life failed him. I...failed him. I can be an advocate for him and present his wishes. That's when reality comes into play. You are responsible for him. Your decisions will seal his fate.