One day I will be strong enough
I've never thought of myself as a weak individual. I grew up in a family of boys who taught new me that if you can't keep up, you're going to get left behind. So I kept up. I ran with the wolf pack. I held my own and learned early on that there's no crying in baseball. If you get hurt, rub some dirt in it and keep going.
Then you came along
I'll admit that I'm damaged. I'm also hard as nails. I have the mouth of a sailor and can drink any guy twice my size under the table. I have a strong right hook and am not afraid to use it.
I have flaws and because of my past, I don't let people in. intimacy is a foreign term to me. I hate kissing because it's too personal. I despise PDA and any mention of feelings makes my skin crawl. I hate emotions in general.
But then you came along.
When I met you I made sure to keep you at arms length even though that was the last thing that I wanted to do. You came into my life like a fucking tornado and flipped my world upside down. I had never met someone who had that effect on me. At first I was intrigued, then I became skeptical, then I became infatuated. I knew that I should keep my guard up as I always do, but with you I couldn't. I felt an instant comfort in your arms. There was an undeniable chemistry between us that in 32 years, I had never experienced. I let you in and trusted you with every fiber of my being.
I wanted to be with you every minute of every day, but I didn't want to admit it. Being vulnerable is not something that I'm accustomed to. I tried my hardest to push you away. I couldn't do it. You were my drug. You were my addiction. You were my heroin.
Then you changed.
I remember questioning small things. What do you really do for work? Why aren't you answering my phone calls? Who are these people that you spend your time with? Where do you go when you leave your car at my house for days? Why would you lie????
Then I changed.
I became a weak, pathetic excuse of a defenseless little girl that would make my older brother hang his head in shame. He did everything in his power to ensure that I would become a strong, independent, smart woman when we were growing up. Instead I was brought into your world.
I went against my morals for you. I threw away my soul for you. I'm smart enough to know better. I know what narcissism is. I know what manipulation is. I know what abuse is. I can point it out to anyone else going through it, but I couldn't allow myself to admit that it was happening to me. I couldn't see what was happening right in front of my face.
You destroyed me.
I'll never forget when I got that text from "her". You acted like it was no big deal. It was, it still is. You used her like you used me. She was "old news". Except that she wasn't.... you cried to me about how much you loved me. You doted on me. You tried to convince me that I was your world. So I forgave you.
We fought. Bad. We were like fire and gasoline. That's what made me comfortable because that's how I learned to resolve issues growing up, lay it all out and go blow for blow until we each say what we need to say. Until someone falls. Until someone crumbles. Until someone can't take any more.
You'd always win.
You managed to figure out EVERY SINGLE THING that would cut me to the core, that would cripple me, that would inhialate any sense of self respect that I had managed to hold on to.
I fell and I fell hard. You got what you wanted. I left defeated with my head in my hands and tears flowing. Tears that I didn't know existed until you.
Then you came back.
I had tried to move on. You couldn't allow that though. You needed the power, the control, the upper hand. You have taken a chunk of my soul and couldn't care less. I'm a different person because of you. You have ripped out my spirit and have left me in a puddle of despair and hopelessness.
The truly sad part is...
I still love you.