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Her Anxiety Makes Her Feel Like She'll Never Completely Be Herself

Her Anxiety Makes Her Feel Like She'll Never Completely Be Herself

By: jenelle boisvert

She’s not afraid of people. She’s afraid of herself and how to act around people. 

She really is a social person. She loves to hang out with her friends, to run around without a worry in the world.

But then, her anxiety strikes. Sneaking up behind her, dimming the light from the sun. 

Her anxiety makes its home in her chest. It squeezes, pushes, and shoves itself into every little crevices in her heart, lungs, and soul.

It takes over her actions. 

She goes to talk to someone, but turn quickly around and walk away. 

She thinks to herself she can try again tomorrow. 

The next day comes, and she goes back out. Out into the world that does not understand her. 

She tries again to talk, to enjoy the  sun, and to be “normal”.

Her anxiety then reminds her that she’s not in control of her choices. 

Her chest starts to tighten, is she having a heart attack?

People think she’s just over-reacting. 

“Why can’t you just take a deep breathe?”

Her anxiety takes up such a big space in her chest, heart, and lungs that it makes breathing almost impossible. So no, she can not take a deep breathe. 

At night, when all she wants is to escape the day she just experienced, the lion of insomnia roars in her head. 

It beckons her to come closer, to step out her comfy warm bed, and face all of her insecurities.

To look at them, over analyze every single aspect of herself that’s ever made her even the slightest bit unhappy.

So no, she cannot always control the lion that screams and claws at her flesh and soul.

No, she can’t always resist his demands. 

And no, the way she acts in public is not always under her command. 

Her anxiety takes over, and directs her movements, thoughts and actions like a puppet on a string. 

Please, be gentle with those of us who are trying so hard to cut the strings of social anxiety. 

We are trying. 

We are.