To The Guy Who Used Me.
Congratulations. You got one over on me. It’s not an easy feat, as I’m usually so guarded and careful about who gets close to me.
But then you happened.
Maybe it was your pretty words, your cute stories, your sob stories, your personality that was, in fact, pretty awesome, or maybe, for some unknown reason, I was just vulnerable at the time. But you slipped past my defenses, you broke down my walls and I was hooked.
But it turns out, you were only using me.
I don’t know if it was to get something out of your system or if you just wanted to see if you could do it but it still happened and you did it, and worst of all, I let you do it.
Everyone tells me I’ll be fine and just to move on and they’re right, I will be fine, I will be better than fine because I have this uncanny ability to say what I need to say and bounce back but the thing is, I never got to say what I needed to.
You hurt me. It’s hard for me to be so open with people, to let them in on my secrets, to actually like someone, but I did with you. I thought you were different, maybe that was my mistake, but I honestly thought you were and I’m usually an amazing judge of character. But I still let myself be pulled in and maybe, it’s not entirely you that I’m angry with, perhaps I’m a little angry with myself as well. And I hate that.
I also hate how blasé you were about everything after. You told me you needed time but what you did right after, spoke volumes.
I hate how we talked everyday about everything but now all I get are a few words here and there. I hate that I have to try and interpret what those words mean. Are you trying to actually be my friend? Are you just keeping me on the backburner in case other options don’t work out? Or are you doing it out of pity? Maybe a small part of you feels bad and this helps alleviate your guilt. I don’t know. And it kills a piece of me to sit here and have to think what you could possibly mean. I’m so used to being in control of any given situation, I think more than anything it bugs me that I’ve lost control. I hate that anyone could have that sort of power over me.
And I can’t allow it anymore.
Whatever was going on between us, it was short and sweet. It was enough to completely pull me in and affect me but I can’t let it anymore, it is time for me to move on.
I don’t wish you any harm, I don’t wish bad things would happen to you. In fact, I hope everything works out the way you want it to and maybe, eventually, when my mind can fully comprehend what happened, we might be able to do that whole friendship thing because that’s honestly the type of person I am.
I feel like a part of me should thank you, for what? I’m not quite sure yet. I mean, on one hand, you’ve shown I’m still capable of opening up to people when I thought that was no longer the case. On the other hand, you’ve shown I’m not as invulnerable as I thought was.
There is so much I wish we could’ve talked about but it might be too much to hope for, now that you’ve pushed me so far away.
I can accept that because at least I got to say what I needed to now.
I really do wish you well in everything you do because I know I’m going to be alright.