Pucker Shop

To the one who loved the wrong one so much it hurt, you aren't alone.

To the one who loved the wrong one so much it hurt, you aren't alone.

By: anonymous

And so it begins…

This isn’t what I wanted from us, I didn’t want to be lying on my floor crying all night. I didn’t want to feel so empty, I wanted so much more from us but I see now it was never that way for you. I wish I knew then what I know now, maybe then it wouldn’t hurt this bad. The crazy part is, you never would make us official. We were in the “talking” phase this generation has so stupidly created, and I still fell hard for you. How ridiculous is it to have to “get over” someone you never dated, almost as ridiculous as spending over a year with that person without a title.

Today it all has to change. Today marks day one of the getting over "you" process that I know I should've started a long time ago. It hurts loving someone so much realizing it was for nothing. I wouldn't wish heartbreak upon my worst enemy.

I still remember the first day we met, I was so drawn to him and I couldn't figure out why. I went to a softball game with my friend who was dating one of his teammates at the time, I didn’t expect to meet anyone, but there he was. He was wearing grey sweatpants and a t-shirt with the gym he goes to. How ridiculous that I remember the outfit he was wearing? Is it even more ridiculous I know exactly which field he was playing on and where we were sitting? I couldn’t stop looking at him because I was physically so attracted to him. He also had a personality I was drawn to. He was the type of person that joked a lot, I could immediately tell. Everyone was laughing and joking with him; he was such a positive person to be around. He was making everyone laugh and smile. I was instantly drawn to him even more by the end of the game so I went home and added him on Facebook; I just wanted to know more about him. I messaged him first and conversation was easy. After exchanging numbers, we talked for a few days then decided to meet up just the two of us at a nearby park. Talking to him was so easy. I have anxiety issues that I refuse to let anyone know about, I still don't think he even knows. My anxiety ruins my self-confidence and all trust I have for anyone. I don't trust anyone because of everything I've seen in the past, but opening up to him was easy. We talked for hours about everything. I feel like I could've told anyone anything they needed to know about him after that day. There was never an awkward moment, we could’ve sat there and talked all night I’m sure. I couldn’t stop looking into his eyes, at his smile, he was so cute. When it came time to leave, I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay and talk to him so much longer. I can still hear the sentence “I really just want to kiss you right now”, and I can still feel that first kiss on my lips, to say I had butterflies was an understatement. I have never in my life felt my stomach flip inside out until he kissed me, and even our last kiss still felt that way to me. At that moment I knew I had either just started the best thing to ever happen to me, or I was going to get my heartbroken. Either way was okay with me. I knew that night I was going to fall and I was going to fall hard.

I fell in love with his potential, the way he said my name, the way lying next to him felt like I belonged somewhere. I fell in love with the way he kissed me, the way he made me feel. I fell in love with his personality, the way he could make me laugh more than anyone ever has, the way he would sing even though he's terrible just because he knew it'd make me smile. I fell in love with his heart, he has the biggest heart yet he's so afraid to show it but it shows when you see how much he cares for his friends and family. I fell in love with the way he always knew just what to say to make my worst days better. I fell in love with the way he smiled, the way his eyes got squinty when he laughed so hard, I even fell in love with his laugh. I fell in love with the sound of his voice, those gorgeous brown eyes and how it felt when those eyes looked into mine. He was perfect; he is and always will be perfect. Despite everything he’s done to me, he is the most perfect man I’ve ever met; he just doesn’t even realize the things I see in him that he doesn’t even see in himself.

I thought I found the one to complete every empty feeling I’ve ever had, and for a while I did.

And then, everything changed.

They say social media ruins everything, and boy is that right. I saw his ex-girlfriend commented “babe” on one of his pictures and my heart instantly shattered. My gut told me “this is the reason there was never a title”. I remember talking to her and hearing so many things that just destroyed me, while I was falling so hard for him he was with another girl when he wasn’t with me. Was I just not enough? What was wrong with me that he had to look elsewhere? I know I have anxiety, I know I have issues, is that what caused him to look to other girls? Was he just never over her? Was I just a rebound? I was shattered, I couldn’t stop crying. If this is what falling in love is like, I never want to do it again because the pain after is destroying.

As if that wasn’t enough, I got a message from another girl. She asked if I was “talking” to him, turns out she was as well... and she told me about another. I no longer wanted anymore details; I didn’t want to know anything else.

Have you ever heard something that made you sick to your stomach? That’s what it was. I couldn’t eat. I could barely sleep. My heart literally hurt, but I didn’t feel a thing. I didn’t know it was possible to be so hurt that you feel numb. I’ve never cried so hard that my eyes were swollen. I didn’t know being in love could hurt so damn bad.

But that’s what happens to a person when they’re left feeling like they’re not enough. That’s what he did to me.

You see, that’s what happens when you cheat on a person, or in this case lead someone to believe they’re the only one. You make someone feel so special, like they’re the only person in the world. Then they find out they’re not the only one you have feeling this way and their worth is out the window. They’ll now look at every one else and wonder why they’re so much better, what they need to fix, what’s wrong with them and why they were never enough. How can anyone be okay destroying a person to the point they question their self-worth? In reality, it’s you with the issue, it’s your loss but in some twisted way they now believe it’s their fault that you couldn’t commit. They now blame themselves for what you did. Cheating on someone doesn’t just create trust issues, you’ve now destroyed the way someone views themselves. You’ve allowed someone to feel so worthless and you don’t even care. All that mattered was that you got what you wanted, and you didn’t care who it was from or who you hurt in the process. You didn’t care someone was falling in love with you while you were busy destroying them without them knowing.

Stupidly enough, he’s still the one I want. How is it possible that you can love someone after they destroyed you? How can you still want to spend the rest of your life with them? How can I still missing talking to him, seeing him, lying next to him? How can I still see past everything he’s done that’s destroyed me? Honestly because I love him more than I love myself. I have since the day I met him, I’ve always wanted more for him than I’ve wanted for myself. That’s why every time he comes back; I fall for him all over again.

Every time I see him, talk to him, even hear his name, I just want to be with him. That’s why running back is so easy. Despite every single wrong he’s done, I know he’s not his mistakes. I know the boy I see in him is in there somewhere. He’s still just as perfect now as he was the day at the park.

I still want to be with him more than anything, but I can’t force him to want me the way I want him. Giving up is going to kill me, but holding on is doing more damage than letting go. I get shut out when I tell him how I feel, I know he doesn’t love me the way I love him. I have all these feelings for someone who doesn’t want me in their life. You don’t destroy someone you love, and that’s how I know he doesn’t love me, he never did. That’s something I have to accept and grow from.

He was my everything. I didn’t care that he hurt me, I didn’t care how I felt. I guess that’s what happens when you love someone more than you love yourself. All the things I’d ever done for him, to be with him, he would never do for me. He’s my addiction, he’s my drug. He’s my bad habit.

It takes 21 days to break a bad habit, and he’s the bad habit I’m going to break.