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To You It Was Never About Us, It Was About Control

To You It Was Never About Us, It Was About Control

By: Jessica Sullivan

Why are you still affecting me? I told you goodbye months ago, It was never a healthy relationship; I was just living in a fantasy world.

I should have seen it from the very beginning but I was blinded by the sweet talk, the kindness you had in your eyes, the love that we had shared. But it was all a lie. It was never about love for you. It was about control.

When things were going rough, I just wanted you there to support me. But instead, you just told me that “I’m no good, that I am just a mistake.”  That wasn’t supporting me that was bullying me.  You wanted to control me in every move I make, I was suffocating.

You wouldn’t listen to the words I was telling you. You would never listen to anything I said unless it was about you. You would put on a show for me that I would fall for over and over again. We had moments together that I thought you were being real with me. You showed me love, you showed me kindness. I fell for that version of you.

Every time we would break up, I would take you back because I loved you. I loved you so much, that I even saw a future with you.  My friends and family would tell me to leave you and never look back, but I kept defending and fighting for us because I thought we had something.

All we had was lies and manipulation. I was emotional abused without even knowing it.  Until one day it finally clicked, I need to say goodbye to you forever.

It clicked that day where I wasn’t happy being with you anymore.  You came over and I ended things for once and for all. You didn’t take it lightly. You decided to bully me even more that day, taking my heart and stabbing it more.

Your words still run through my mind every day. “You are no good.” You are a slut.” You are a horrible person.”  You still have a hold on me, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I still love you. I still don’t know why I wasted my tears on you.  

I try to move on from you, but every time I get close to somebody, I freeze. I think back to the times you were so cruel, and just wish I had never met you.

So today is the day where I let all those memories fade away. You will just be another chapter to my book, someone who taught me to stand up for myself.  I just wanted to say thank you for playing with my heart because you just made me stronger.   

I will find myself again, and this time I will be happy.