From My Bottom on the Rocks to Yours - Cheers
"Misery loves company.." -Unknown
I've always found this phrase to be more truthful than not.
We as humans beings have a daily struggle. One we fight every single day. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, co-dependency, mental health, the list goes on and on. There's quite a spectrum of how and/or why you become addicted to escaping your own reality and the erratic behaviors that follow.
We are taught at a young age to say no to these vicious vices but yet why do they hold so much weight over us once they take control?
In struggling with my own battles with binge drinking and a spontaneity that I couldn't seem to grasp, there you were.
It was as if life was putting me to the test. Putting one full blown addict in front of the other only to watch them duke it out.
And we did.
I may have thought I had my addictions under control, but I was quick to realize just how out of control things would get.
And not to mention the next item I would add to my list of addictions... You.
You became a focal point for me.
I became so hell bent on fixing the problems within myself, in you.
I felt if I could fix you and keep my focus off of myself, somehow that was healthy for my sobriety.
But we would be toxic for each other.
It's almost as if we had to one up each other, or seeing them take a drink only encouraged our taste buds to thirst and our bodies to crave the numb we've became to comfortable with.
Your honesty with me about your addictions, gave me comfort that I was not alone. You never ran from the truth. You just dealt with the hangover and pushed through that next day.
But I realized I couldn't tell you how to live your life. I couldn't tell you that this common ground we had found, would be the very thing that would destroy us.
Regardless of how magnetic you and I were, this was not a path I was willing to venture down again.
Or stumble down for that matter, as last call echoed through that empty bar as the smell of vodka lingered under my breath.
That wasn't a life I would allow myself to entertain anymore.
I couldn't let myself reach that dark space just because I wanted to feel like I was someone you needed...
But I did...
I allowed every bit of progress I made turn into the failure I would soon face again.
I had reached my rock bottom...
I found it in the same place I had once left it, on the rocks at the bottom of a glass. And to think, I sat and watched someone pour my next bad decision.
I had legitimately cosigned my own future bullshit.
Being faced with every bit of regret, doubt, second guess, hesitation - all from one measly glass that I had convinced myself would magically make all the pain go away.
But it didn't.
You still have to wake up in the morning with yesterday's problems, tomorrow's unknowns and not to mention that treacherous feeling of regret followed with wonderment as to what events actually occurred the evening before.
The dreaded morning scramble, because of course you are late to work, and you keep mumbling to yourself all of the questions that you were to blacked out to remember. Checking your bank statement to be sure you didn't spend the life savings you didn't have, on another bad decision.
But as easily as I clung to you, was as easily as I let you go.
Knowing that my choices directly impact the others around me, is a guilt I can no longer stomach, not to mention the next day hangover ultimately resulting in alcohol, that I can no longer stomach.
I cannot allow myself to wreck the future I am building, nor can I sit back and enable the wreckage of yours.
From my rock bottom to yours - Cheers.