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I Didn't Know Real Heartbreak Until I Wanted Someone Who Never Wanted Me

I Didn't Know Real Heartbreak Until I Wanted Someone Who Never Wanted Me

By: Susan Walker

I wanted you in the worst way. Everything about you enticed me. From the minute we kissed behind the bar to where I am now, I’ve wanted you.

The way your hair was always perfect. The way your eyes lit up as you were telling me worthless lies. The way your mouth moved every time you told me I was crazy.

I wanted you.

I saw myself with you and I knew if I tried hard enough or waited long enough, one day I could convince you I was the perfect match for your hard-to-please personality. We could’ve worked in so many ways, had you set your pride down long enough to let someone in.

But you didn’t, and here we are.

I gave you nights I can never get back. I gave you pieces of myself that no one else has held for years. I made you laugh and you made me cry, yet I stood beside you, waiting. Waiting for you to open your heart to someone who finally deserved it. 

Waiting for you to feel something, anything. People get tired of waiting you know…

But I guess that doesn’t matter when you had no intention of ever being anything more than the fucked up lover you are.

You kept me near out of convenience. Just close enough so that if at any moment the loneliness consumed you, you knew you could call and I would always pick up. You turned me into a puppet for love and I would’ve done anything for you.

The problem is that you never wanted me... 

I would’ve gone through hell and back just to get a chance, and at times, I think I did. I opened up to you, I put myself out there for you, I gave you the best parts of me while getting nothing in return. Still, somehow, I couldn’t let you go. With all the random texts, the Snapchats, the phone calls, I found myself waiting for words that never came and it wasn’t until I realized that I had fallen in love with you that I decided to walk away.

That’s right, I fell for you... but I’m walking away.

I’m walking away from you, from your lies, your broken promises, your inconsistency, and your constant fuckery. All of it.

For the first time in a long time I realize that I deserve better than you, and I deserve more than you. I’ve given almost everything I have to make you full but now I’m sitting here empty. I cared so much that I was willing to go the distance for you, even if I had to walk across broken glass to get there. 

You were it. You were the person I could’ve loved, maybe forever, without any hesitation. 

I would’ve opened my heart for you and given you a safe place to call home but you didn’t want that. No, you only want what is cheap and easy in this world and god how I hope you get that. You took shortcuts the entire time and like a fool I stood there and put in double the work to accommodate for your shortcomings. 

Not anymore. I’m done with you, I’m done with the games, and I’m done hurting over someone who couldn't care less about me. I’ve let you have it your way for months but it’s time that I finally do what’s best for me.

I'm moving on from you and your constant toxicity to my sanity. You didn't deserve the love I tried to give you, and you never did. The last few months have been hell on me, but I'm thankful I'm walking away while I'm still in somewhat of one piece. My hope for you is that you redefine your dating standards. 

You've put effort into females who didn't deserve it, and you've pushed away everyone that took time to put effort into you. You always said your biggest fear was divorce, but you seek out those who's end result will be just that. 

With everything said, I still wish you the best of luck in life, in love, and in your career. Maybe one day someone will come along and make you change your mind, and I hope you give her everything you denied me.